Life, real or otherwise

Today was my first day back to work after the PR escape. Somehow it doesn’t seem as soul-crushing when I’m tan. But in all seriousness–I needed the sun. I miss the sun. I never see the sun in the winter here–I walk up the block to the subway every morning just as it is rising, disappear underground for 45 minutes and then rush across the street to the office. And she’s gone already by the time I leave work. I just can’t get used to that. Even though I know it will get sunny and warm again, 5 months is a long time to put up with cold and darkness. I am just not used to it.

I needed to escape. From everything in my life. I felt stuck, crushed, forced into a place that I didn’t fit at all. I was so tightly wound up inside myself that I thought this was all there was left. That I would forever be stuck at a desk answering calls from bitchy housewives in Connecticut who don’t think our white sheets are white enough- and who blame that on me. Forced to do other peoples busy work and fix other peoples mistakes. Forever. In the dark and cold. What everyone calls “real life”.

How silly- why should “real life” be soul crushing? Who says real life has to be painful, depressing and bleak. Why can’t real life be on a sail boat in the sun? Why can’t it be where I’m happy?

And I think it’s because I would not have been happy anywhere else if I hadn’t come here first. New York was my dream. If I’d stayed in a beach town forever I would have always, always wondered why I wasn’t in New York. So maybe I don’t belong here forever, but I think I do belong here for now. I needed to leave to realize that. I needed to forget everything. I needed the sun. I’m happy in the sun.

It’s just a job. It’s just for now. It isn’t real life.